he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
