you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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