I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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