theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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