i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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