mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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