I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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