I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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