someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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