I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
