If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ladies don't puke and tell
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
