at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
