I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
