its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
