My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
