Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
