Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
