Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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