Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
