i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
