My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
