I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
