Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
