how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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