My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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