why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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