i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
