Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
