I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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