it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
