my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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