I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
