This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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