were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there was a trapeze. enough said
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
