I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
