We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
