So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
