you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
barbara walters just said penis...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
