Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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