At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
