I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
