Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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