I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
