true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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