yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
