brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
