Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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