i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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