Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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