it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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