Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
