what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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