I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
whose parrot is this?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
