There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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