So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
