I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
sarcasm needs its own font
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
