She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
