Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
