Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
