Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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