This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
