some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
