so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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