I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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